The dwindling of hope

Hello,
This is just for me.  I am not expecting anyone to read this and that is fine by me.  It is just a place just for me to put all my random thoughts.  This may have better place in a journal or a diary but I type much faster then I write so this feels more right.  I just need a place to put me, all the things that you can't say out loud with out people looking at you funny and judging.  Social media which is where normal people voice these thoughts has been ruined by the people that you don't need to know all your life bits but you can't make disappear without more drama then it is worth. :/
The run down:
I am live with my parents due to much bad luck that never seems far behind the good.  Every time I think I am a half a step forward something happens.  It is a stressful way to live.  I am currently going to school and work a part time job that I enjoy greatly.  I am single and comfortable with that.  I have no interest in changing it and am deciding if it is a life choice that I will stick with forever.  I have furry children and enjoy the company of my few friends.  That is the surface of me.

To get to it.

I have been thinking when do you give up on a dream?  When do you look at your life, where you have been, are now, where you thought you would be and where you think you are going and realize it isn't the plan.  Everyone has a plan.  You want to grow up, go to school, get the perfect job, fall in love, have kids, become a billionaire etc...  Not everything may apply or need to go in any order, but there is always a plan.  A dream.  A hope.  But when do you look at it and give up?  When do you throw in the towel realize that certain things will not happen and that you must make do with the crap that you can have?
When is enough enough and you realize that the dream and goals you had for yourself are just painful reminders of everything that went wrong?
  That is where I am in life.  I had big plans and I messed them all up.  So I altered them and tried again and they never fit.  This only made me unhappy with myself and my inability to accomplish what I should have.  Again though I gave it a good go, failure again.  I continue to try and accomplish the big plans that I want for myself and end up on my knees with my head in my hands wishing that I had not wished at all.  Maybe some people are not meant to be happy.  Maybe I am one of those people.  I feel like no matter what I want it is always just out of my grasps.  I have done well to brush it off, see the positive and stay happy and moving forward, but lately my optimism is lacking.  What is worse is I see my friends getting all of their dreams and goals falling into place, and don't get me wrong they deserve it, but it makes me feel horrid at the same time.  My friends are some of the most amazing people in the world.  They have overcome horrible obstacles and deserve all the happiness that they can find.  But when you are not happy with your world it hurts so see everyone else happy.  You wonder why you can't find it.  Do you not deserve happy?  And if not, what did you do wrong?  I try and be a good person.  I volunteer, donate time and money.  I give the homeless guy on the corner lunch.  I am there for everyone who needs a shoulder.  I am the most loyal friend you could ever have.  Yet, I feel like somewhere I lost my chances and they are all used up.  Some how I missed them and didn't even realize it.
This smile and laugh have been a mask lately.  Though they look real to all who see it, only I can feel the emptiness behind them.  Then you wonder-when do you just move on?  Maybe happiness is excepting that true happiness is not real.  That you some how missed that train.  It is the saddest thing I have ever thought.  It may not seem that way to an outsider, but I have always been an optimist.  The absence of hope kills an optimist.
Maybe I will fight it a little longer and try to see the light before it burns out.
These are the things you ponder in the darkness when you are alone....